where is the peace!

somehow, getting that divine answer puts me at ease in a way.

thou shall just wait and see cos whatever happens is just the will of the higher powers, yes i'd prefer to think it that way.

now, all i need is to seek another type of inner peace in the corporate battle.

i hope i can do it.

i always tell myself to do it, but in the end, i'm still far from it.

let's hope i reach there somehow, slowly but surely :)

lost chance. once again.

it feels like heaven likes to make a sport of me in this arena.
or maybe, it's my own fault afterall.

but anyway, i passed by an opportunity once again.

maybe it's just not meant to be, so maybe yes this is good in the long term.
but maybe, it might be bad too.

but anyway, it's all over, cos what's done can't be undone, or rather, what's not done cannot be done anymore at this point of time.


i feel like going out there and do something crazy and get a good laugh out of it, because i havent felt happy for a long long while.
just like how in my uni days, i got to try some things which i thought i would never do, but eventually when i accomplished it, im so proud of myself that i've acty gt the potential.

but now, what?

one step closer, one step further

i realised, when we take a step closer to something, we are also a step further away from another thing.

life is all about balancing, ain't it?

but till now, i have yet to find that balance that allows me to feel blessed and live in happiness everyday.

the cries.

i have a love-hate relationship with such crazy working days.

fatigue, disappointment, unfairness - that's all i feel.

but secretly, perhaps i love such days too, cos they keep my mind off everything else. as i have no time to brood over the bleak future.

i know i need to be stronger. but i just dun feel it at all.

Better in time

This was the song that was playing when i switched on Class 95 tonight.
And it jus started playing only.

It's a song that's been on my phone's mp3 since forever, but somehow tonight it meant sth more when i heard it.

It seemed to spell c-l-o-s-u-r-e.
Like it's time, really, daphne. Like, finally.

I'm happy that it didn't hurt that much as I thought it would be when the discovery was made 2 weeks ago.
And i'm even happier that it didn't hurt that much today either, when the suspicion and discovery are both confirmed.
Probably just a headache for about 2 hours and it took only a cafe mocha to make it disappear somehow.

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

=)

some things just can't be undone.

how did it come to this stage!?!?

omg. thinking back, everything feels so stupid.

arguments never make people see the whole point of the subject of the argument.

instead, it only leaves a bitter aftertaste, which can't be erased forever.



never ever could have imagined things can actually reach such a stage.

bad people shld be forgotten

yesterday night, i heard something tt hurt me.

i am so so so so so disappointed and of cos, very hurt.

i shld stop making excuses for the people that are totally not worth it.

i wish tt my smiles will return soon.

back to the old school days :)

there're some people whom we don't contact much. but when everyone gets together, the old days come flooding back again and it's as if we had never left school at all.

the smiles appear all again, the laughter never ending and more importantly, being me myself and I to its fullest and truest.

because these are the people who have seen the worst of you through those days of surviving on only 3 hours of sleep in 5 days, those days of you having flour in your hair and mud on your knees, those days of you wearing big cotton shirts, fbts and slippers and those days of you when you were really just being yourself.

it's been a long while since i organized a massive gathering for almost 20 ppl. i never knew that it wld garner such good response, and it feels good when it turns out that everyone does make the effort to turn up and enjoy themselves and thank you for organizing. then it makes you realise that we all do want a gathering, just that no one bothers to organize such a massive gathering.

the effort is all worth it when it's a sunday night filled with no monday blues! =)

missing those days.

i miss london.

A.L.O.T.

2 of my seniors flew to london today for work. somehow, it reminds me of how much i love this city.

and i had dinner with sha last night at coffee club. there was a promotion where we could have 3 main courses for the price of 2. and we really ordered 3 main courses. (i think the waiter was stunned we really took up the promotion.) so typical of our europe days where we'll just order good food that came in big portions and share together.

sigh. i really wish i can go back to london soon again.

and 2 weeks of peak is down! but i'm alr exhausted beyond words. many many more weeks of peak to come. boohooooooo.

hello 2011

For the past few years, the start of a calendar year didnt mean much to me, as it wasn't in tandem with the academic year in university.
Hence, it doesn't feel like a new year to me at all.

However, things became different ever since I started working.

The start of 2010 marked the beginning of a full year of working life to be. I was full of hopes for everything. Who wouldn't be? New job, new career, new friends, new environment, starting all over again brings lots of hopes and anticipation with it. Just like being back in uni year 1 again.

Now, it's time for the start of 2011. Some hopes are dashed. Some others are still being anticipated, although not so much anymore. And sometimes it kinda seems like it's time to start looking forward to the next stage. Just like how it felt being in uni year 2.

Although I have no idea what's the next stage gonna be anymore.

Anyway, 2010 started off great and it was filled with loads of ups and downs. Eventually, it ended on a low note. Very low - being very disappointed with some events and some people and the fact that the peak is approaching doesn't help at all.

But anyways, it's a whole new year now! Let's just remain hopeful once again (after all, hope is what moves us forward sometimes, ain't it?) and I really hope it'll be a very wonderful year ahead!! =)

HAPPY 2011!

(and dear peak, i'm determined to survive you better and make myself happier this year!!)

something is very wrong when you start counting down to 1730 everyday.

what is worse than that?

not even knowing whether you can knock off at 1730.

i haven't been feeling not even the tiniest bit of motivation at work ever since i got back from my long vacation. maybe the engine decided not to start at all, but time is running out.

peak officially starts next week and here comes the non-stop "you're expected to have no plans on weekday nights and working past midnights are taken for granted" days.

a year ago, i accepted that gracefully. but after having been through it once, the dread that those days are coming back again is beyond any description i have anymore. all i know is i'm scared and i dun want those days to come at all.

if giving out so much will eventually return in some form of appreciation or that rewards are given based on pure meritocracy, perhaps there is another reason to work towards to. but the thing is, life is not like that.

life is unfair, period.
and it is the same here.

so we try to look forward and seek greener pastures.
but who is to say that the next land is a greener pasture?

is life unfair everywhere?

looking back at 2010, i try so hard to recall what are the big achievements i have made.

other than being more recognised at work, finally going through lasik successfully and having the chance to step into the Big Apple city, i can't seem to remember what else has 2010 brought me.

oh my goodness. so this is what the past (almost) 365 days has brought me.
what a far cry from my schooling days, really.

please let 2011 be a better and happier year.

but no matter how much it seems that i've muddled through the past year, i'm so thankful for all the friends that are still with me since school days as well as the colleagues that are the best support in my everyday life.

that is one thing to be grateful for. this i know. =)

merry christmas!

it's been barely 2 weeks since i'm back from the states.

when i just got back, i was glad to be back in this warm weather, as it was no fun suffering under -12 degrees. the cold makes you wanna hide indoors all the while, and so, unable to really enjoy the snow and those lovely Christmas display windows in NYC.

but now tt i'm back, n as i watch those Christmas movies with those snowy pavements and beautiful Christmas lights, i wish that i'm having a white Christmas now.

for that, i'm really envious of my sis who's in NYC now, and who will be in Las Vegas on 31st.

next year, i wanna be in somewhere cold during Christmas and new year eve's week! just be equipped with better and more winter clothes i guess. haha.

First day back at work after my long vacation

First day back at work after my long vacation.

News were fed to me one by one.

The severity of them got worse and worse.

And now, the real doomed one just arrived.



First day back at work after my long vacation.

Remind me why i hate my job.

Final night in Tokyo

the weather's been great, at approx. 15 degrees. once again, i long so hard tt i live in a temperate country.

the girls r all so pretty here, n the office guys here are veryyyyyy good looking! gosh, clothes do make the man at times.

flying to chicago tmr! sis says her place will reach -11 degrees tmr. i wonder how we're all gg to survive.

horror of all horrors

It's a Friday night.
I'm now sitting in client's place alone at this hour, listening to Bruno Mars "Today My Life Begins".

Not that I'm doing any substantial work anyway. I should go home, I know. But I dunno why I'm still sitting here.

I dunno what I'm doing anymore.

Am constantly worried or brooding over things that I know very well that are not within my control. So the thing is, why still think, right???

Sigh.

Unhappiness is the word for now. I havent felt like this for a long while. Ever since those JC days of constant worrying over not making it past A'levels i guess.

I was so much happier in uni. Jaded perhaps, towards the end of it.

But not like this now.

What happened?!?!



Okay. I'm going to pack up and go home.
Sleep is the best remedy.
Hopefully.

Nothingness

It's been an alcohol-overdose week.

After the high-ness in the night, we wake up to reality in the morning once again.

I'm tired of wishing for things.

Can't wait to fly away from everything.

57th Heaven

This weekend has been one of the best as far as I can remember.

Stayed over at Marina Bay Sands after the company's dnd. Good to have a space to park our things in and retire for the night after the dinner. And how we can venture out for supper after a very unsatisfying dinner. In exchange for the very cramped space on the bed, resulting in a very sleep-deprived me currently.

But staying till the next morning to enter the swimming pool on the 57th level makes it allllll worth it!!!

Gosh, I totally wish I had brought a change of clothes to enter the pool to swim!! Sigh.


But well, I made do with lying on the sunbeds and it feels heavenly too!

If only minus the singapore humid weather and scorching sun, everything would be perfect. I would feel as if I was back in Europe once again.

Spent my sunday meeting up with ming and getting some winter wear from her. Thank you dear piratey! Can't wait to escape from reality and fly to the other side of the globe!! =)

D.I.S.A.P.P.O.I.N.T.M.E.N.T

Today, lets talk about this word.

Through my life, I've been through my fair share of disappointment.
Well, who's to say that out of so many exam grades that you've received throughout your academic life, there was never a time when you were not disappointed?

Lets not even mention the school exams. Out of the national exams, I remember being disappointed at my PSLE grade, disappointed at my O'level grade, disappointed at my A'level grade (though at this point there was more relief than disappointment at the mere fact that I have made it to a local uni, regardless of the course -- yeah that was how bad my fear was back then).

But anyway.

Ever since I started working, disappointment was felt lesser.
Well, we only have our appraisals once a year, compared to having exams twice a year back in uni, or even more back then in secondary school, exam grades were dealt with four times a year.

But yesterday, I truly felt the word "disappointment", even though it's not the appraisal period now.
So it turns out that, being disappointed by someone hurts even more than being disappointed by ownself.
Especially when the person had always mattered alot, and then suddenly some things happened, and make you snap back to reality and make you realise "okay. so this is wad it is all about huh."

That's really *ouch*.

Perhaps from another perspective, it may just be a minor gesture, it may just be nothing at all, but because everything once mattered so much, it's just not easy to disregard everything at all.

But it's okay. At least it's a sign to snap out of everything, once and for all. It's been a year after all, it's about time too, I guess.

This long weekend shall be a healing weekend. =)
And hopefully, it can really turn out to work.

We've always known that it's unhealthy that work takes up a big part of our life. But sometimes, when you're so used to work being such a big part of ur life, u realise that without work, life is very empty as well.

That's very sad huh.

There r seniors who go back to the office on weekends, and who are still in office now, despite that the long weekend is supposed to have started, and who WILL also be in office for the nxt few days.

I wonder if that will happen to me when I become a senior next year. But nevermind, that's next year's stuff.

I remember roomie telling me to try to make work only 20% of my life. So that I won't be too engulfed by everything revolving around work, such as the environment and the ppl too. Well, I do love my colleagues, esp. my peers, who are actually the biggest part of the motivation of work everyday. But well, I should aim to have a life outside of work, I know.

I dunno how.
But somehow, I should.

I met up with some uni frens last weekend. A fren mentioned that he feels as if he's going through a quarter-life crisis now. Lost of what's coming next, lost of what to expect next. It's like when we were back in school, we always know what's next. There's always an aim in mind. After O's, it's A's. After A's, it's uni. During uni, it's to fulfill your commitments in activities and schoolwork and get that degree eventually and find your dream job. (but is there even one in the first place?)

But now that we're working and caught up in the rat race, what's next?

It's easy to be caught in between the days now. The days can just pass by, us going through the motions of work everyday, but without an aim or motivation in mind.

Then another fren commented the next aim would be the next stage of life -- getting married and settle down with kids.

So the first fren said "but what if you don't see that happening?"

Well, the thing is, no matter which path we go down eventually, the most important thing is to be happy.

But, how do we achieve that secret to happiness everyday?

I miss my "uni" self sometimes.
I was jaded back then, esp. in year 2 and 3.
But at least, I had my committee activities and my frens around to keep me going and happy and confident.

Now, yeah thank goodness I do still have some colleagues to keep me going as well.

But, there's a lot more fear, helplessness and self-doubt felt than never before.

Who you are inside is what makes you a star

"Who you are inside is what makes you a star!"
-- Shiloh Pepin


I'll always remember the upbeat voice saying that.

Just watched a documentary on this little mermaid hero.
She's an inspiration, really.

Love that quote.
Just wish that everyone could see beyond the surface.

累了。。。